ayearlivedintheheart

March 21st

The feeling of despondency is getting the better of me today and I fell back to my normal coping stratedgy - drinking. It wasn't all bad as it occurred to me that I have been overlooking the very thing that I am journalling about, which is love. Love is the only thing I can offer.

March 22nd

The start sign has cahnged to Aries and this month my virtue is hope.  Just seems to have come at just the right time. Just reflecting on hope lightens my mood.

March 23rd

Reflecting today on a film titled 'The Work' which is filmed in a top security prison in America and very much reflects the work of ABOB.  Can't help wondering why some people react to life experiences (especially bad ones) so much differently to others. Not sure if this is judgement or enquiry.

March 24th

A timely reminder today on reading an article on awareness and attention.  It highlighted how the mind tends to go AWOL with negative or destructive thoughts if the attention is not maintained on fruitful endeavour in the present.  I am aware how guilty I am of this, especially in more recent days when I have found it hard to get inspired again.

March 25th

Joined my first full moon meditation with Resurgence this evening. I am a novice at the connection with 'out there' but am willing to keep an open mind and it was good to be around the positivity.

March 26th

Interesting to read how Steiner explains how human's lost their clairvoyant capacity when wine was first created due to the numbing effect this has on the etheric body.  Seemed to fit with my turning to alcohol when I am feeling unconnected.

March 27th

Reading Steiner really encourages me to look at Esoterism further and convinces me that there is a different path that i?we can lead. Reminds me of the phrase 'there is more to life than meets the eye.

March 29th

Bought the thought of Christ to mind at times today (Good Friday).  At the moment, I am so far off having any comprehension as to the true meaning and significance of his life that I can only continue to work in the belief that, at some stage I will, by Grace, be allowed to know.

March 30th - April 1st

Easter weekend

Have been recalling the Christ mission to mind and was drawn to mass on Easter Sunday.  However, was preoccupied with bodily desires for most of the time with some insane eating.  Also seem to have lost the will not to drink too much, even if it was moderate on most days - reminds me of St.Paul "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak".

April 3rd

My wife said she felt like I was withdrawing - this is something I have begun to be aware of and that A Bailey warns about.  I could happily study 'out there/in here' all day long but then find it difficult knowing where I stand in this world.  Seems to be some sort of limbo, I will have to wait and see how it works out.

April 4th

Feeling more positive today, each day I drink my 'hope' water and bring to mind a story by Kahil Gibran called 'Youth and Hope' which I find totally inspiring.  After a reflection on earth as it appears today the passage ends;

 'When I beheld all these things, I cried out in pain, "Oh Daughter of Zeus, is this indeed the Earth? Is this Man?"
In a soft and anguished voice she replied, "What you see is the Soul's path, and it is paved with sharp stones and carpeted with thorns. This is only the shadow of Man. This is Night. But wait! Morning will soon be here!"Then she laid a gentle hand upon my eyes, and when she withdrew it, behold! There was Youth walking slowly by my side, and ahead of us, leading the way, marched Hope.

Morning is coming!

April 6th

Finding it harder to keep focussed on the virtues and seeking for a different perspective. I seem to be quite drawn to reminiscing for my younger years and base physicality - earn money, drink, repeat.

April 9th

The gaps are getting larger now when I am not moved to make an entry. However, during the night, I remembered part of my study following the trials of Hercules.  In Aries, Hercules had to capture the war like mares which, for us, symbolise rounding up thoughts that are energised by the lower centres and leading them positively by our higher nature.  I realised I had not been using this study as was my intention but will now strive to do so.

April 10th

Mixed success with bringing Hercules to mind. I find it brings a bit of lightness and have managed to 'steer' some thoughts but others are far more persistent and the challenge is on.

April 11th

Big day today as  I drafted my first article to publish on substack. The focussing on content helps me to keep my aims fresh in mind.  Also today I read a journal entry I had made from 20 years ago and I was experiencing exactly the same problems overcoming  issues/trials then (especially around alcohol).  At least I have not lost sight of them completely!

April 13th

My wife accompanied me to watch a buddhist film (bless her!).  It was filmed in Bhutan where they have replaced GDP with GDH - Graoss Domestic Happiness.  It left me with a sense of peace that is rarely available.  I know the temptation is to want to grasp this so it will last forever but I am aware that this will not be the case.

April 14th

Meditation Sunday today and I was reminded of a more subtle way of judging - I judge others will not understand what I am trying to say and they will judge me, however, I may be closing an access door to more fulfilling and productive relationships.

April 15th

Finding that, recalling the first Labour of Hercules is really helping me to be more aware of my thoughts and where there are leading. This has helped to curtail the direction when it starts to spiral into judgement and bitterness.

April 16th

Was reminded of previous teachings that I encountered in the philosophy school - the importance of observation being one. They had a saying that you cannot be that which you observe, as I can observe the mind and the body I cannot be these things. However it did occur to me that you cannot observe the heart, just the effects from it.

April 17th

Each month it appears that I do not concentrate much on the virtue, this month being hope. I have brought it into conversations at times and it always gives me a lift when i bring it to mind. I am having to rely on the 'hope' that, just holding these vitues in mind, will open doors for me at some stage.

April 19th

I don't know why I didn't realise how hard it is to control wayward thoughts and give them up. The problem being that the struggle creates new contradictions but I console myself with the thought of keep trying.